You're Welcome!

The request really was very simple – “I will be travelling to Europe during May, and I would like to stay with you for a few days, if that is possible”. Even had he not been a class-mate of mine I would have said “of course, you’re welcome any time.” There was, however, a little complication. Although he is from Scotland he has spent all his priestly life in Botswana, and decided a long time ago that it was in his best interests to acquire Botswana citizenship. One of the conditions for receiving Botswana citizenship was that he would have to give up his British citizenship and passport. Travelling to Britain and Ireland has never been a problem for him… but France is a ‘Schengen’ country! (Trust me, you don’t want to know!)

I was assured that all that needed to be done was to pop along to the Mairie and collect a n “ attestation d'accueil” – now there’s a misnomer if ever I saw one - forward it to him, and the French Embassy in Gabarones would issue him the required visa. Yes, and pigs have wings! At this point the Mairie have seen my passport (apparently for Fr. Lawrence to visit it’s important that I exist!), they have a letter from the Archdiocese saying that I am legit (they wouldn’t want my friend staying with a suspect priest!), they have seen the rules of the building (in case it should say anywhere that we can’t have visitors!), they have seen a bank statement (they want to be sure that we can afford to feed him while he’s here!), they have seen an electricity bill (do they want to be sure he has enough light to read in bed at night?), they have been furnished with the physical dimensions of our apartment (they don’t want his accommodation to be too crushed!), they have been informed of the number of bedrooms we have (don’t want him to have to sleep on a sofa somewhere!), they have been furnished with a document that says that my tax affairs are in order (obviously he shouldn’t be staying with a tax-dodger!), and they have been furnished with €45 in stamps (in case they have to post him back to Botswana?)

I’m sure I’ve forgotten a few in there! Believe me, I’m not exaggerating. With the amount of time and paper that’s been wasted on the phone and in personal attendance, it would have been cheaper for the French state to send a limousine to meet my friend at the airport and put him up for three days in the Ritz! Thank God St. Peter’s not a Frenchman, or I’m afraid I would never get past the gates of heaven! And despite Roselyne’s best efforts – you didn’t think I myself could be that patient! – we still don’t have the bit of paper to send to Botswana.